A reading from the service

Three for Kate

I.
When Ana was a baby we asked Kate to be her unofficial godmother because we had no official god. Of course Kate took the role and made it her own.

A few days ago I texted Ana and asked if she had any specific Katie B memories. She called back quickly.

“I have a very distinct memory,” Ana said from the streets of New York. “It involves food.”

No surprise there.

“You used to drop me off at Kate’s apartment and she would make me pigs in a blanket,” She said this with great joy. “Really, really LITTLE pigs in a blanket.”

Suddenly my own memory was jogged. Ana had come home from her very first overnight with Katie B and she was raving about these little sausages that were so yummy and there was a special sauce and where did they come from and couldn’t we buy some. Preschoolers are a very insistent species. Finally I called Kate. “Katherine Ann, what’s with the tiny sausages?” I could hear her smile. “Cocktail wieners,” she explained as if it were obvious. “I made her cocktail wieners with barbecue sauce.”

Meanwhile, back on the cell phone, Ana said with growing excitement, “ And Chocolate Pudding! She made me Jello Chocolate Pudding! Little pigs in a blanket and Jello Chocolate Pudding! It was The Best Food Ever!”

Can’t you see Katie B holding her hand out as if to say, “My point exactly.”


II.

My mom wrote this note to Kate three weeks ago. Rich asked me to read it.

Dear Kate,
Many, many years ago I looked up from a book I was reading and asked Morellen, “Who’s the bravest person you know?”
Without hesitation, she replied, “Kate Billings.”
Look how your profile in courage has continued to astound and inspire us!
I am forever grateful that Morellen has had the great, good fortune to have you as a friend.
With deep respect and much love,
Peg


III.

A long time ago Kate gave me a book: Awareness, by Anthony de Mello. The book is about waking up and being present to reality. Being aware of our thoughts. He indicates that our thoughts are like clouds and awareness is the clear blue sky above them. The book Awareness moves from my nightstand to my desk to the couch and every time I see it I think of Katie B.

I was lucky enough to be able to say to Kate a few days before she died, “I love you and I am with you.”

I don’t know if I am with Kate, but it turns out Kate is with me. Sadness and grief are there too but Katie B, Kate, Katherine Ann, all of her, is with me.

This last week she helped me celebrate my sister’s birthday, pull weeds from the garden, and grieve. Sometimes, when my head’s full of images, she’s skillfully, calmly sailing her boat around my thoughts in the clear blue sky. Sometimes, like when I was helping out a bit with this service, she was weighing in with comments from a television control room. She was laughing.

But most of the time she is just a part of each moment of reality. I hope she is with you too. Perhaps she is reminding you to enjoy yourself. To breathe. To be present and brave. To go ahead, serve up those cocktail wieners to an eager child.